I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
