Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
