How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
