Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
