two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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