Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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