hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
