I met the friendliest cop last night
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
