we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
