i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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