Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
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