If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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