You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
