He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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