Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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