I want to have your abortion
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
