I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
