mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
