DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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