also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
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