she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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