corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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