Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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