you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
