'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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