how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
