Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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