At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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