I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
