Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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