The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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