if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
