i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
