Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
