I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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