Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
