So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
