i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
