i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
