i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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