I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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