can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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