Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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