lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
