You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
