Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
