Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
