Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
