a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
