If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
