How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
